


BMC & DEH South Park Oneshots

by BooksRBetterThanPeople



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, South Park
Genre: Cinnabun, Evan is cute, Jeremy is Tweek, Kleinsen, Michael is Craig, Pinkberry, Requests, They killed Kenny!, Treebros, TweekXCraig, You bastards!, arson bros, boyf riends - Freeform, creek - Freeform, galaxy girls, oh my god!, oneshots, south park - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:13:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 9,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22839115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooksRBetterThanPeople/pseuds/BooksRBetterThanPeople
Summary: Just the characters from Be More Chill and Dear Evan Hansen taking the places of South Park characters
Relationships: Christine Canigula/Jenna Rolan, Connor Murphy/Evan Hansen, Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, chloe valentine/brooke lohst
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	1. Cool Island Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Free Hat)

Jeremy: **Eyeing a prop** This looks like the right room.

Jake: **Finds the video library** Over here!

**The others join him at the stacks. They see "Star Wars Episode 1, Version 300," "Star Wars Episode 1, Version 301," "Star Wars Episode 1, Version 302," etc., then "First Day of School" and "First Day of School, Digitally Enhanced," then "Wedding Video" and "Wedding Video, Digitally Enhanced." The camera scans past "Kids First Swimming Lesson" and "Kids First Swimming Lesson w/ Digitally Enhanced Weather" to stop at the reel of "Raiders of the Lost Ark, Original Negative 1982."**

Jeremy: That's it!

Rich: Alriiight! Get it, Jeremy!

Jeremy: What? Why me?

Rich: ‘Cuz you're a tall-ass. Now get it, you piece of crap, before I grab your nutsack and twist it!

Jeremy: Okay! Geez! **He grabs the reel canister. The door opens behind the boys and the lights go on**

George Lucas: What are you doing?! **The boys turn in horror**

Jeremy: Oh God! Oh Jesus!

George Lucas: You're the boys from that ...stupid club. Give me that! **He grabs the film reel from Jeremy**

Michael: Do with us what you will, Mr. Lucas! **He goes down on his right knee** But please, don't change Raiders of the Lost Ark!

George Lucas: We're gonna make it better. The movie's gonna be changed, and that's that!  
  
Rich: Alright, you asked for it. I'm afraid you leave us no choice. It's time for Plan B.

Jake: Aw, really?

Michael: Oh God, no! Not Plan B!

**Lucas looks at the boys quizzically**

Rich: **Seriously** You have a heart made of ice, Mr. Lucas, and so we're going to melt your icy heart... With a cool island song! Gentlemen?

**The boys reach for their clothes and rip them off. Underneath they wear colorful Latin outfits and grin**

George Lucas: **confused** ...What??

Rich: Hit it, Michael!

**Michael goes over to a boombox and presses the play button, then returns to the group. Caribbean music plays and they start dancing**

****Rich: In the tropical isles with the coconut trees, there's a lots of-

Jake: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song. 

Rich: ...No, he has an icy heart.

Jeremy: ...But you can't melt ice with a cool song.

Jake: So we have to warm his icy heart with a "hot" island song.

Rich: It's a cool island song.

Jeremy: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.

Rich: Oh, do we wanna do that?  
  
Michael: Maybe we have to cool his hellfire heart down to a moderate temperature?


	2. Jeremy vs Michael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Tweek vs Craig)

**The Shop room. Jake, Rich, Jared, and Connor sit before a power miter box. Connor is feeding it wood**

Connor: I wonder why Evan didn't wanna take shop class? **Cuts out two slabs**

Jared: I don't know. He's such a wuss.

Mr. Adler: **Passing by** Hey! Don't screw around! You screw around too much!

Rich: You know, you guys are totally wrong about Jeremy. Michael is way worse than he is.

Jake: No he's not, dude. Michael's a wuss.

Rich: Dude, if Jeremy and Michael got in a fight, Michael would kick Jeremy's ass.

Jared: You wanna bet?

Rich: Yeah, I'll bet.

Connor: Same.

Jake: How much?

Connor: Five-hundred bucks.

Jake: You're on!

Rich: Hey! Some of us aren't wealthy!

Jared: Lower it.

Connor: Fine. Twenty bucks.

**Jared and Jake walk up to Jeremy**

Jared: Hey, Jer.

Jeremy: Oh. Hey guys.

Jake: Dude. Michael chooses you. He wants to fight.

Jeremy: He... He does?

Jake: Yeah. He's all pissed off at you. So, will you fight?

Jeremy. Why?

Jared: Because! You have to stand up for yourself! So will you fight him?

**Michael is leafing through the scraps**

Jeremy: He doesn't look like he wants to fight me.

Rich: Michael, could I talk to you real quick?

Michael: Sure, what's up?

Rich: Now, we're not normally ones to get involved in this kind of thing but, well, we were just standing over by Jeremy, and, he called you a shit-eater.

Michael: He did?

Connor: Yeah. He said you, for a snack, eats little pieces of shit.

Michael: Why would he say that?

Connor: I don't know, Michael, I don't know. But now he's over there telling everybody that you're a shit-eater and he chooses you.

Michael: What?! Well, I'm gonna go over there and-

Rich: **Blocks his way** No, no! Michael, you can't fight him here; Mr. Adler would just break it up. Tell you what: I'll go tell him you accept his challenge, and set it up for after school today.

Michael: Okay. **Flips Jeremy off**

Jared: There. Did you see? He just flipped you off.

Jeremy: What a jerk!

Jake: He's really got it out for you, dude.

Jeremy: Why?! What did I do?!

Jake: So, do you agree to fight him after school?

Jeremy: I guess so.

Jared: See you there!

**Jared and Jake walk away, pleased**


	3. Kurt Kelly Must Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never piss off Jared

**The Chili Con Carnival is in full swing. People have already arrived. Evan, Connor, Jeremy, and Michael walk up**

Jared: **He steps out of the ticket booth to greet them** Oh, hello, guys! Thanks for coming to my Chili Con Carnival!

Connor: This is the dumbest thing you've ever done, Kleinman.

Jared: **Smug** Oh , it won't be so dumb when Kurt Kelly arrives. I suggest you stay to see the fireworks!

Jeremy: Oh, we will. Trust us. We won't miss this. **He looks at Michael, who's smiling**

Jared: What's so funny?

Evan: Oh nothing, it's just, cool how you're gonna get Kurt Kelly back. Is Radiohead here yet?

Jared: Not yet, but they will be.

Michael: Yeah, sure. Anyway, I made some chili to enter into the contest.

Jared: What contest?

Michael: This is a chili cook-off, isn't it?

Jared: Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here, Mike, just put it over here... **Sees Kurt** Kurt Kelly!!! How are you, Kurt? Thanks so much for coming!

**Kurt holds a small container of chili**

Kurt: Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything.

Jared: **Overjoyed** Likewise. Well, come on, you've got to see the pony!

Kurt: Just a second: don't you wanna taste my chili first?

Jared: Well, yeah, but, there's a special guest coming, and I want you to be near the pony when they arrive.

Kurt: Well I don't want it to get cold. I think I can win first prize.

Jared: **Sighs silently** Alright, Kurt, uh. Let's go over to the judging table and we'll try the chili first. **Kurt leaves** Damnit!

**The judging table. Jared and Kurt take their seats**

Kurt: **Setting his plate before Jared** Alright, I guess we should taste each other's chili, huh?

Jared: **Inspecting the dish** Huh, this chili looks pretty good. Weh, here's mine. **He hands his plate to Kurt, who takes it to his end of the table and starts eating**

Kurt: Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is pretty good, Jared, but I think mine is better. Try it.

Jared: Alright. **He takes the dish and starts eating. Both boys munch away for a few moment** Hey, this is great!

**Evan and Jeremy stifle giggles. Michael and Connor fist bump**

Kurt: Eh, it's a special recipe.

Jared: **Begins to wolf down the food** Oh, this is really good, Kurt!

Kurt: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.

Jared: What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili?

**Everyone at Kurt's end of the table is shocked, even Kurt, at this accusation**

Kurt: What?!

Jared: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Kurt. I switched it with Michael's.

**Michael looks like he's been used**

Jared: It's delicious, Michael. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Evan and Connor, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. **Evan and Connor are surprised** I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area.

**A flashback of Jared telling Denkins of such a thing. Denkins is armed**

Jared: I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents.

**A flashback of Kurt talking with his parents**

Jared: And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents

**The Kelly's are in the pen to rescue the "starving" pony, but upon seeing Mr. Kelly's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them, and they go down**

Mr. Denkins: **looks of horror surround him** Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights.

Kurt: My... mom and dad are... dead?

**A flashback of Officer Brady taking a report from Denkins**

Jared: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Brady. And of course, to steal the bodies...

**A flashback of Jared arriving, seeing Denkins and Brady, and pulling the bodies away)**

Jared: After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. **There are more faces of horror behind him** Do you like it? Do you like it, Kurt? **A gleefully evil look comes over him** I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Kelly Chili."

Kurt: **He looks at Jared for a while, realizing what's just happened** Oh my God! **He starts gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away** Oh my God!! **He vomits off to the side**

Jared: **Leaps up on the table and sings** Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah!

**Connor, Evan, Jeremy, and Michael are way stunned**

Jeremy: Jesus Christ, dude!

Kurt: **Grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table** My mom and dad are dead! **Pounds the table** No! NOOO!!

**Radiohead arrives and stands behind Kurt**

Thom: Uhm, excuse me?

Michael: Who are you?

Johnny: We're that band, Radiohead.

Kurt: **Raises his head** Jesus!

Ed: Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!

Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby??

Thom: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.

Ed: Come om, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. **The members of the band start leaving**

Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.

Phil: Little crybaby!

Kurt: **Gathers himself and looks** No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my God, Oh my Gaawwwd!! **He buries his face in the table and bawls again** Noooo!

Jared: **He walks over to Kurt's end of the table** Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your tears, Kurt! **He starts licking Kurt's tears off his face** Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.

Connor: ... Guys, I think it might be best for us to never piss Jared off again.

Evan: Good call.

Jared: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mmm, yummy. **He licks the tears off the table and off Kurt's face** Mm, yummy, you guys!


	4. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!

*Jared bursts through the wall wearing a police uniform and holding a baton*

Jared: BITCHES! THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN! AND HE HAS AUTHORITAH! YOU WILL ALL RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH WHILE I AM WEARING THIS SKIN-TIGHT WOMEN'S POLICE COSTUME I BOUGHT FROM THE HALLOWEEN STORE!

Evan: Oh no! Jared has authoritah!

Connor: Is that bad?

Jared: DAMN RIGHT HOT TOPIC! I'M A COP! SO YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!

Connor: Yeah right, shorty. *He gets down to Jared's level* Why don't you go play pretend cop somehwe- *Jared hits him over the head with his baton* OW! DA FUC- *Jared hits him again*

Jared: NO CURSING IN FRONT OF THE ACORN CHILD! YOU WILL TAINT HIS PURITAH!

*He continues to hit Connor with his baton*

Evan: JARED! HAVE MERCY!

Jared: MERCEH IS FOR THOSE WITHOUT AUTHORITAH! MY WORK HERE IS DONE! NOW I WILL TAKE MY AUTHORITAH TO THE STREETS! *He takes a bite out of a bath bomb* Luv da cronch.

*Jared jumps out the window*

Evan: ... We are doomed.

**NEW JERSEY!**

Jeremy: GUYS! JARED HAS AUTHORITAH!

Brooke: WE'RE DOOMED!

Jenna: The kid eats bath bombs and ships an emo with a tree-hugger. I think we're fine.

*Jared rides up to them on a tricycle painted to look like a police car*

Jared: Well, well, well, what do we have here? You think you guys can just go around taking random pills from foreign countries?! Time to teach you guys some authoritah!

Chloe: Yeah right. What are you gonna do?

*Jared hits Michael and Jake with his baton*

Michael: OW! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

Jared: GET YER ASSES TO JAIL!

Jake: STOP IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Jared: RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH YOU BITCHAS!

Christine: WHO GAVE JARED AUTHORITAH?!

Me: ME! I HAVE THE AUTHORITAH TO GIVE HIM AUTHORITAH!


	5. Jeremy’s mom is a bitch

Rich: Weeeeeeeeeellll!

Jeremy: Don't say it Rich!

Rich: ... Weeeeeeeeeellll!

Jeremy: I mean it!

Rich: Alright, alright.

Jeremy: I'm getting sick of him calling my mom a-

Rich: Weeeeeeeeeellll!  
Jere's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch,  
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world  
She a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch,  
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

Jeremy: SHUT UP RICH!  
  
Rich: On Monday she's a bitch,  
On Tuesday she's a bitch,  
On Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch  
Then on Sunday, just to be different,  
She's a super King Kamehameha bitch!  
  
Come on! You all know the words!  
  
Michael/Chloe/Brooke/Christine/Jenna/ Jake: Have you ever met my friend Jeremy's mom?  
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!  
She's a mean ole bitch, and she has stupid hair!  
She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!  
  
Rich: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch  
She's a stupid bitch!

Michael/Chloe/Brooke/Christine/Jenna/ Jake: Whoa!

Rich: Jeremy's mom's a bitch  
And she's such a dirty bitch!

Michael/Chloe/Brooke/Christine/Jenna/ Jake: YEAH!  
  
Rich: Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this!  
  
(Chinese)  
凱爾的媽媽是婊子一個婊子  
Kǎi ěr de māmā shìgè biǎo zi yīgè biǎo zi,

(French)  
Elle est la plus grande chienne dans le monde entier!

(Dutch)  
Ze is een stom kutwijf, als er iemand een kutwijf was!

(Swahili)  
Yeye ni Bitch yote ya wavulana na wasichana!  
  
Rich/Michael/Chloe/Brooke/Christine/ Jenna/Jake: Have you ever met my friend Jeremy's mom?  
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.  
She's a mean ole bitch, and she has stupid hair.  
She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!

**Mrs. Heere appears behind Rich, looking pissed**

Rich: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!  
She's a stupid bitch!

Michael: Uh, Rich?

Rich: Jeremy's mom's a bitch!  
And she's such a dirty bitch!  
I really mean it!  
Jere’s mom!... She's a big fat fucking biiiiuiiitch!  
Big ole fat fucking bitch, Jere’s mooooooom!  
Yeah! Chaaaa! **Jazz hands!**

Jake: ... Dude.

Rich: ... What? **He turns around and sees Mrs. Heere looking very pissed** ... Oh fuck.


	6. Jeremy vs Michael Part 2

**The school yard**

Jared: This is gonna be so sweet, dude!

Rich: You guys are so wrong about Jeremy. He's gonna get his ass kicked!

Jake: We'll see!

Connor: Why don't we just raise our bet to fifty dollars?

Jared: You're on, Hot Topic!

**Evan shows up**

Jared: Well, well, well, look who's here! Our little home economics friend, Evan!

Evan: Hey guys, what's going on with you?

Jake: How come you wanna take home ec.?

**The girls walk by**

Christine: Hey Evan, how's it going?

Evan: Going great. How 'bout you?

Brooke: Pretty good. Can't wait for Home Ec. tomorrow!

Jared: ... Nice.

Chloe: So, what's going on here?

Rich: Jeremy and Michael are gonna fight!

Jenna: Really? Cool!

**The students stand around waiting**

Jenna: It's funny, 'cause Jeremy and Michael both went home about fifteen minutes ago.

Jake: What?!

Alana: Yeah, they left.

Rich: Aw, those sons of bitches!

Brooke: I guess they don't wanna fight.

Jared: Aw, they wanna fight! They just don't know it yet...

**Jared and Jake arrive at Jeremy's house. Jared rings the bell**

Jared: Jeremy?

Jeremy: **Opens the window** What do you guys want?

Jared: How come you didn't show up for the fight, Jeremy?!

Jeremy: Michael and I have no reason to fight each other.

Jared: Well, Michael showed up.

Jeremy: He did?

Jared: Yeah. He was standing there waiting for you, and he was all like, "Man, Jeremy is a wuss," and we were all like, "No he's not, Michael," and he was all like, "Yeah he is, he isn't showing up. He's a big wuss, and he has crooked teeth!"

Jeremy: I don't have crooked teeth anymore! I got it fixed!

Jake: And then Michael was all like, "Jeremy is scared of me. He's a big chicken." And he started doing an impersonation of you being a chicken; **He watches as Jared demonstrates** well, everybody in school saw it!

Jeremy: What?! Ugh!

Jake: Yeah, it was weak.

Jeremy: I'm not a chicken!

Jared: Well, everyone in the world thinks you are. See ya. **Turns to walk away**

Jeremy: Wait! I'll fight!

Jared: Tomorrow?

Jeremy: Okay.

**Rich and Connor arrive at Michael's house. Rich knocks and Michael answers**

Rich: Michael, what the hell are you doing home?! You're supposed to be out fighting Jeremy!

Michael: Queer Eye's on.

Rich: Michael, you can watch Queer Eye any day of the week!

Michael: I do watch Queer Eye every day of the week!

Connor: Okay, that's fine. I guess you don't care about what Jeremy said about your moms.

Michael: Nope. **Shuts the door**

Rich: Oh, damn it! **Knocks again, and Michael answers** Well, I guess you don't care about what Jeremy said about your vintage soda collection.

Michael: What?! What did he say about my vintage sodas?!

Connor: Oh, nothing, nothing really... Except that you stick each bottle up your ass before you go to bed.

Michael: That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

Rich: Yeah, I'd be angry too, so maybe we should reschedule the fight for tomorrow?

Michael: After Queer Eye.

Rich: **Being gracious** After Queer Eye, of course.


	7. They Killed Evan

**An army of the undead has invaded the town**

Connor: ... Well this is bad.

**One zombie fires an arrow and hits Evan square in the forehead. Blood fishes out and he collapses to the ground**

Jared: Oh my God! They killed Evan!

Connor: You bastards!


	8. North Korea is Going to Bomb Us!

**The students are gathered in the school auditorium to listen to some performances. The Principal is on stage next to a piano and another mic**

Principal: All right everyone, listen up. Today we're gonna have a performance by one of our students who has written a song. The song is about his feelings towards the current political climate with North Korea. Put your hands together for Evan Hansen.

**The students applaud, the Principal exits stage left, and Evan approaches the piano from stage right with some sheet music. He sets up the music and gets ready to play. He plays some angry, jarring notes on the piano as he screams**

Evan: Aaaahh!! Aah! Aaaahh! Aaah! We're all gonna die! They have nuclear missiles! Wah! Waaaahh! Why are you all just sitting there, doing nothing?! **He stops playing and faces the audience** We have to get out of here! North Korea wants to kill us all, and our President keeps making it worse! **Walks to the front of the stage** Why are you just sitting there?! **He returns to the piano and resumes playing** Why are you all acting like nothing's wrooong?! North Korea is going to bomb us! We are all dead! **Jared and Alana glance at each other while Jenna records everything** We have to do something! Do something! Do something! **Screams, leaves the piano, and exits stage right** **  
**

Principal: **Returns to the stage** All right. Next up we have Christine Canigula with her rendition of "I'd Rather Be Me." **She enters from stage right looking back at Evan in shock. PC Principal hands her the mic**

Christine: ... So your best friend screwed you over... Acted nice when she not nice...

**The school cafeteria, lunchtime. At a table are seated Connor, Jared, Jeremy, and Michael**

Jeremy: Connor, you've gotta get Evan get a hold of himself. He's freaking everybody out at school.

Connor: What am I supposed to do?

Michael: He's your boyfriend.

Connor: He's not gonna listen to me. He never does when he's emotional.

Jared: Con, let me tell you about relationships, okay? If you don't have some balls, you're not gonna get anywhere. Doesn't matter if they're gay balls, straight balls, or Pan balls, or Bi balls. If you don't take control of your side of the relationship, you get walked all over-!

Lori: **Approaching** Hey babe, how are you doin'?

Jared: **Suddenly disinterested** Oh hey baby, what's going on?

Lori:!We still on for dinner?

Jared: Yep, I'll be there.

Lori: 'Kay babe, love you. **She walks away. The others are stunned at what just happened**

Jeremy: I thought you said you broke up with Lori.

Jared: decided to give her one more chance.

Michael: But you said she was mentally abusive.

Jared: She _is_ mentally abusive.

Connor: So then why did you take her back?

Jared: Because she said she was gonna kill herself, all right, guys? There. I broke up with her and she called me being all like "I can't live without you, I'm scared of what I'm gonna do to myself! Oh God." The girl is crazy. What am I supposed to do?

**The school hallway, later. Evan is at his locker putting books away, but he's in panic mode. He slams the locker door and scares himself**

Evan: AAAH!

Connor: **Approaches** Babe.

Evan: AAAH!

Connor: Baby, come on, you've gotta settle down.

Evan: I can't settle down! We're all gonna die!

Connor: **Calmly** We're not all gonna die, honey, you're overreacting. Everything's fine, okay?

Evan: **Hears a tweet and pulls out his phone. Now frantic** Oh God! The President tweeted that North Korea doesn't have the guts to attack us! Why would he say that?! He's making everything worse!

Connor: Ev-

Evan: But North Koreans are gonna think we all agree with the President!

Connor: Okay, so how about you write your Congressman a letter?

Evan: ...That won't help anything! North Korea wants us dead!

Connor: Okay, so write a letter to the North Koreans.

Evan: I can't write in Korean and they all think we're war-hungry anyway!

Connor: Okay, well why don't you just send something nice to the North Koreans?

Evan: Uuuugh!

Connor: It'll make you feel better, babe.

Evan: Send something, like what?!

Connor: I don't know, like... make some croissants or something?

Evan: I don't know how to make croissants!

Connor: Well, what do you know how to make?

Evan: **Groans** Cupcakes!

Connor: All right, go home and make some cupcakes, honey.

Evan: Okay. **Turns and heads out**


	9. Too Many Emos (At my High School)

**Jared looks around at all the emo kids at school. He turns to Evan**

Jared: Look at them... They're everywhere!

Evan: Who?

Jared: THEM! The school shooters. They're all around us! **Points to Connor** There's one now!

Connor: **Not amused** Suck it, Kleinman.

**Jared sighs, and walks through the halls of the school, being careful to avoid the Emos**

Jared: What has happened to this place? I don't recognize it anymore.

It used to be so okay and decent.

What is life worth living for?

The dream is dead, our land is gone; There's a hole in my heart and I can't go oooooon... There are too many emos (Emos) At my High school! (my high school)

This was our school, our place (our place), and they've taken it all away.

They just keep coming and coming! (Emos)

I tried to go and tell the teachers, but the teachers

Are listening to My Chemical Romance. At my high school.

There's no place for me to by happy anymore. And the lunch lines just keep getting angsty. There are too many people wearing black

They keep saying we're all gonna die.

They've taken up the library and computer lab. And the guidance counselors are always busy. Making sure these Emo kids don't do something they'll regret. (Come on!)

There are too many emos! (Too many)

At my high school! (Somebody do something)

Where did they all come from?!

Why can't they leave the happy kids alone?   
And it's such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying) Now I sound emo! (Emo)

We've got to change our priorities!

And get all these emos!

Out of my high school! (Emos) JD and Lydia Deetz, (Keith Kogane), I think I even saw Connor Murphy. (Why?!)

God I'm asking please, get all of these emos

Out of my high school!... (My high school)


	10. Trent Boyette

Connor: We've got to tell them who did this, you guys, or we're gonna get it as bad as Goranski!

Michael: That is nothing compared to what my mom and mama will do to me, if they find out that I've been lying for five years!

Connor: Maybe you didn't hear so well in there, Michael! Second-degree titty-twister! Those are evil! Trust me, I've given them.

Evan: Oh, why did we lie?! Trent's coming for us! It's all over! We're dead!

Jeremy: Guys! Calm down! There's a way around this.

Michael: Yeah. Yeah! We don't have to tell our parents, we just need to go out, and get some protection!

Jared: How the hell are condoms gonna help us?! **The doctors in the recovery room look at him** Sorry, heh. Never mind, hehe. **They turn their attention back to Rich**


	11. Jeremy vs Michael Part 3

**The Cafeteria, next day. On a table are seated Jake, Jeremy, Jared, Rich, Michael, and Connor. The school is assembled before them. A large sign saying "Jeremy VS. Michael" hangs above them**

Jared: Okay, so, just to set the record straight, but not entirely, here, the fight will be happening outside in the parking lot at 3:30. Jeremy just weighed in at 115 pounds, Michael at 125.

Rich: We will now take quesitons!

J.D.: How long do you expect the fight to last?

Jeremy: I uh...

Jake: **Covers Jeremy's mouth** However long Jeremy wants it to last!

**The students laugh**

Jared: Look, make no mistake. Jeremy has been ready for this fight since day one. He doesn't even view it as a challenge!

Jake: In fact, Michael's gonna be the one viewing it as a challenge when he's getting his ass kicked!

Rich: Hup. Did you hear that? It sound like some diarrhea coming out of someone's mouth or something.

Jared: Shut up, Short ass!

Rich: Don't call me short ass, you son of a bitch!

**Rich jumps on Jared, and they start fighting. Jake and Connor soon join in, leaving Jeremy and Michael looking at them**

Brooke: Wow. Jeremy and Michael really hate each other, huh? This should be a good fight.


	12. Pandemic

Connor: My name is Connor Murphy. Last week was my eighteenth birthday. My Grandma gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I was sooo happy. But then, some guys from school came to my house and said I should use my hundred dollars to invest in becoming a Peruvian flute band. They promised I would double my money in one afternoon. But the government arrested us along with all the other Peruvian flute bands and took us to an internment camp in Miami. We begged to go home, but instead the government told us they were sending us to Peru. And so that is now why I'm in Peru. If I die, let it be known that it is because those bots, I don't even like, from school lied to me and took my birthday money which I may never see again.

**He sits on a crate, writing in a notebook. The whole group is in a mountainous region of Peru**

Jared: We didn't lie, Connor, it was a sweet idea!

Jake: Yeah. How are we supposed to know that pan flute bands would be outlawed?

Connor: ... **Continues writing** And let it be known, that they are dicks. Especially Jared Kleinman.

**Later that same day, this happened!**

Connor: Sir, I promise you, I'm not going to ruin your plans. Okay? I'll just walk away. See?

**He walks onto a square with a pattern on it. The circle in the center of the pattern lights up and begins to rotate up and out. Two stone slabs jut out from the pillar. The golden idol's eyes light up. A beam of light goes from the idol's staff to one of the slabs, and two beams of lightning come out of Connor's eyes and strike the guinea pirate**

Guinea Pirate: Dargh, no!

Connor: ... Okay, now there's sparks shooting out of my eyes.

Guinea Pirate: Argh, curse ye, Connor. Dar, argh.

**The guinea pirate falls on its back and the beams turn off. The slabs go back into the pillar and the pillar rotates back into the ground. Jared, Jake, and Rich approach Connor, stunned at what just happened. Connor lets out a sigh of relief**

Connor: My name is Connor Murphy. Last week I stopped a guinea pirate from taking over the earth. All the Peruvian flute bands were released, and drove the guinea creatures back to the Andes mountains. Many people had died, but mankind had prevailed. All over the world, survivors were found, living witnesses to the horror that had been seen. The guinea pirate lived, but was taken to prison to live out the rest of his days. And people all over the world learned to support their local Peruvian flute bands, and buy their CDs. For they protect us from the guinea creatures. As for me, I was returned home by Homeland Security. My parents were sooo happy. I realized that we don't always have control over what happens to us. We are but players on the stage of life. And I also learned to never listen when kids you don't like from your school come asking you for money.

**Jared, Rich, And Jake are dressed as Mariachis and standing at Connor's front porch talking to him; he slams the door in their faces. They walk away all pissed off**

Jared: That guy's an asshole!

Rich: Yeah, what a dick!


	13. Jeremy x Michael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tweek x Craig, yay!

Paul: Son, you need to listen to me. (Sits down on the bed) You can't fight being gay. I used to think that bein’ gay was a choice, but, you don't get to decide. Japan picks who they pick, and that's that. I don't understand this stuff. But... I do know that if you try and resist it, you make yourself miserable your whole life. Everyone was so proud of you. And, I was just being selfish. I wanna be proud of you too. I like gay Jeremy. I love you. Here's a hundred dollars. (He puts the bill in Jeremy's hand and walks out the door)

(In Town. Michael walks with his head down. Eventually he and Jeremy cross paths. They both stop and look at each other, unsure. Jeremy then turns towards the same direction that Michael is facing and extends his left hand out. After some hesitation, Michael takes his hand and they walk in the same direction. They walk past Westerburg High School, where the Heathers and Veronica cheer them on)

Japanese singer: Maybe we should go away. Put cares aside for just a day.

(They walk past the mall, and continue holding hands. Chloe and Brooke cheer them on)

(Murphy residence- Cynthia and Larry meet in front of a painting of Michael and Jeremy, and hold hands)

Japanese singer: The world we face is not so big. Not if we are strong like Mike and Jere.

(At the school auditorium, Christine is reading a script. Jenna comes up behind her and gives her a bouquet of flowers)

(Mell residence- Jeremy sits on the couch and plays a video game while leaning on Michael, who is listening to music on his headphones)

Japanese singer: Let's go back to when it was new. Weren't we such happy people too?

(Outside the house, Christine, Jenna, Chloe, Brooke, Zoe, and Alana look through a window and smile at Jeremy and Michael)

Japanese singer: Life was simple, problems vague.

(Ms. Fleming is at her desk grading homework. She looks at a picture frame of her deceased husband, then holds it against her heart)

Japanese Singer: We had it all, a lot like Mike and Jere. 

(Heads turn as Michael and Jeremy walk through the school hallways, hand in hand. Rich and Jake are visibly shocked, while Chloe smiles at the couple)

(Inside a karaoke bar, the Japanese singer is singing on a stage. Behind him are monitors showing live action footage of Michael and Jeremy, with Michael offering Jeremy some flowers. The lyrics are shown below at the bottom of the screen)

Japanese singer: And in the darkness we all seek   
A perfect love like Mike and Jere. 

(Live action footage of Michael and Jeremy is shown on the screen. They are walking around, hand in hand, in a field. They pull each other in and eventually hug. Then, they sit on a tree branch, with Michael resting his head on Jeremy’s shoulder. The lyrics are shown at the bottom of the screen in karaoke style)

Japanese singer: We must fight or love's a goner. We must hold Mike and Jere with the... (Music stops) ...highest honor! Ganbarou! ("Let's give it our all!") Irasshai! ("Welcome!")

(Xi Jinping is sitting at his desk and smiling at his female secretary. Suddenly, he gets up and they passionately kiss. Emma plays a song for Alyssa on her guitar as she rests her head on her shoulder. Veronica and Heather M. walk hand in hand through town. Rich and Jake share an ice cream at the park.   
Evan and Connor kiss under a cherry blossom tree. Alana is given a single red rose from Zoe, which she loves. Chloe and Brooke look over the town from a cliff, holding hands. Kurt and Ram kiss passionately on a football field. Jenna takes a selfie of her and Christine)

Japanese singer: I hope you know when you are down  
That you turned my life around. Just like the quote from Shakespeare said...  
I’m your Mike, and you’re my Jere...

❤️💙


	14. Ninth Grade

** Middleborough High School, morning. The school bell rings. A "WELCOME BACK!" sign hangs over a row of lockers as kids walks around in the hall. Connor, Evan, and Jared stand before their new classroom: TENTH GRADE **

Connor: Well, here we are, guys, the first day of tenth grade.

Jared: Yeah! No more getting pushed around by sophomores!

** Two older boys come up behind Jared and Evan and push them to the floor **

Junior: Get out of my way, you little dorks!

** Evan and Jared struggle a bit, then get up **

Jared: Hey! We're tenth-graders now, too!

Junior: Yeah, but now, we're juniors, you stupid sophomore, so move it!  ** He and the other Junior push Jared and Evan down again **

Jared:  ** Gets up ** Ugh, lame, dude.

Connor: We gotta find some freshmen to beat up.  ** Looks around and sees someone ** Hey, come here  ** He signals a boy over **

Boy: What?

Connor: What grade are you going into?

Boy: Ninth.

Connor: Stupid freshman!  **Pushes the boy down** Get out of here! There, that's better.

Evan: You know, I heard our sophomore teacher is a new lady from Denver.

Jared: Denver? Guys, we could walk all over her!

Connor: For once, he's right. We have to take a hard stance right now and establish that we're the dominant ones in this relationship!

** More students arrive **

Jared: Alright.  ** He turns to face the gathering group ** Hey, listen up everybody! We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves! Let's all do something crazy!

Michael: Like what?

Jared:  ** Thinking ** Like...

Rich: Oh! How about right at 8:35 we all jump up on our desks and pull down our pants and shout, "KISS MY ASS!!!" all together!

Everyone: YEAH!!!

Jared: That's perfect!

Evan: Well, when we pull our pants down, should we stand frontways or back? I mean, do we show her our... behinds, or-ar our w-wieners?

Alana: ...I think showing her our asses should be quite sufficient, Evan.

Rich: ...Yeah. Just show our asses.

Jared: Okay, so it's decided. When the clock hits 8:35 we all stand up on our desks, pull down our pants and yell, "KISS MY ASS!!!"

Christine: Together, we are strong!  ** Raises fists in the air **

Students: YEAH!!!

** The bell rings again, and the students enter their new classroom a bit awed at the surroundings. Lab sinks and equipment line the walls. New, modern desks greet them. An aquarium and some modern art are also present **

Christine: Whoa, this is our new classroom? Look at all this stuff!

Jake:  ** Takes a seat  ** Hey, what the hell is with these little half-desks?

Christine: Hey, check this out.  ** She points to a new alphabet strip in Greek letters that hangs over the whiteboard **

New Teacher:  ** Enters, faces the students  ** Alright, children, quiet down. Welcome to the tenth grade.

** The kids stare at her with mouths open. Her breasts hang down to her knees **

Jenna: Holy God!  ** She vomits into her purse **

Connor: Those are fuckin' huge!

Zoe: I can’t look away!

** The teacher turns and write on the board... **

New Teacher: My name is Ms. Choksondik.

Jake:  ** Softly, to Brooke ** ... More like, Ms. Makesmesick.  ** Starts chuckling with Brooke **

Ms. Choksondik: Play time is over, children! Do you understand me?! **A stunned silence fills the room** I don't know how your last teacher behaved, but this is the tenth grade!  
 **Jared grabs on tight to his chair as he looks at the wall clock, which now reads 8:35** And it is time to go to work!

Jared:  ** He leaps up on his desk, and moons Ms. Choksondik ** KISS MY ASS!!!

** No one else moves a muscle, as they are still awed by the teacher. Jared looks left, then right... **

Jared: Oh, weak, you guys. Seriously weak.

Ms. Choksondik: Well, young man, I hope you have a good explanation for this.

Jared:  **With his back still to Ms. Choksondik** Oh, I'm sure I do.

Ms. Choksondik: This is the tenth grade! You need to grow up!  ** She wags a finger at him **

Jared: I'm trying.

Ms. Choksondik: Now, get back to your desk and write a thousand-word essay on why you feel you need to disrupt my class.

Jared:  ** Pulls his pants up and sits down again ** Fantastic, then.

Ms. Choksondik: **She turns to the board and begins writing** Now, let us begin our first-day exam. **The class sighs** SILENCE!

** In the cafeteria, the students are gathered at a table **

Connor: What a bitch!

Chloe: And did you see her lazy eye?!

Brooke: You can't even tell what she's looking at!

Jared: You guys are all such pussies!

Michael: I don’t think you’re all seeing the real issue here. Her tits... Are GROSS!

Evan: I can't take it! Writing in cursive with pens? Proofs and parallels? I can't do i-it!

Christine: This is it. The end of innocence.  **Becomes sad** This is the loss of that playful youth all our parents warned us about.

Brooke: I just didn't think it would come so soon.

Jared: Yeah. Only now do we realize how much we all took the ninth grade for granted.

Jeremy: Huh?

Jared: Everything was great in ninth grade. And now that it's all over, we're starting to see just how special it was. **Wistfully**   
Remember how it used to be in the Ninth Grade? We used to laugh and play and cherish each day in the Ninth Grade   
We learned wondrous things from a teacher so nice   
Sat on comfortable desks with our wide-eyed smiles   
The world seemed to all make sense but that sense seems to slowly fade   
After Ninth Grade... In the Ninth Grade we could use our phones   
We went through awkward phases that seemed normal   
We had warm teachers with hearts full of love   
And there wasn't a care in the world of me... of you...  
There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade just to go back, for one minute... To Ninth Grade

**A moment of silence, and Evan starts to cry. Alana consoles him**


	15. They Killed Evan!

** Evan steps out the house and holds up a white flag **

Police: He’s got a white flag!

** The police shoot at Evan, killing him. Michael, Jeremy, and Connor walk out the house and find Evan on the ground, dead **

Michael: Oh my God! They killed the blue shirt kid!

Connor: You bastards!


	16. You Killed Evan

Jared: So it’s decided. Phil Collins concert for all of us. Hooray. **He sees a rat crawling on Evan** Uh oh. Hold still, Acorn. **He grabs a frying pan and hits Evan’s head with it, cracking his skull and killing him**

Alana: ... Oh my goodness. You killed Evan.

Connor: Bastard.


	17. AWESOME-O

General: Perhaps... there is consciousness in this robot. Maybe we as a society need to realize that artificial intelligence... is intelligence all the same, and we can learn from the robots. I think maybe one day we can all-

** AWESOME-O farts, Evan steps back surprised **

General: Hey, wait a minute, did that robot just fart?

Evan: Hey, robots don't fart!

AWESOME-O: Uh... now ending fart sequence.

General: Oh, and it, it smells, too! 

AWESOME-O: Smell sequence initiated.

Official: A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't make any sense.

Evan: Hang on a second, here!

** Evan reaches for AWESOM-O's helmet and removes it **

** The military is taken aback at what they see...... A portable screen is put up inside a room and the videotape of Jared acting strange in his backyard is being shown **

** As the video plays, the students and staff of Middleborough, Westerburg, and Platt high school laugh hysterically **

** On the tape, Jared is dancing around like Britney Spears **

Jared: Would you like to touch my body? Come on and touch my body!   
Oooo, my hot body!   
Don't you like my hot body?   
Come on and touch my titties!   
I felt them just like?   
Come on Justin, touch my body!

** He begins dancing with a life-size cutout of Justin Timberlake **

Jared: Mmm, Justin, yeah! Touch my body!  
You and me!   
Check it out, my not-hot body! Come on, my body!

**Evan is enjoying himself immensely, but a fuming Jared has to suffer it all as everyone laughs**

Michael: Hahahaha! I can’t breathe! HA!

Heather C.: Oh, someone fuck me gently with a chainsaw!

Connor: Hahaha! Oh my God! I’m gonna fucking piss myself! Hahaha!

Kurt/Ram: Hahahahahaha!

Rich: Wow, dude! You're a little bitch!

Jared: ... Lame...


	18. Skankhunt

(Boy's Restroom- The boys are gathered and Connor paces back and forth)

Jeremy: The girls want to see Jared punished so we have to prove it's him.

Michael: We're never gonna prove that and you know it! We have to make him stop!

Evan: He's not gonna stop, he's loving all this! He wants the girls to hurt us!

Michael: ... Then let's end it.

Jake: What do you mean?

Michael: Jared is the cause of all our problems. Always. We all know what has to be done.

(They look at Michael with surprise and dread. Jeremy stops pacing)

Michael: It's not like we haven't talked about it before - fantasized about how we'd do it.

Jeremy: Yeah, but not like we'd actually do it.

Connor: Michael’s right.

Evan: Connor... You can't be thinking that we'd-

Connor: What else do we do Evan? You know better than anybody what a monster he is.

Jake: He pushed everyone too far.

Rich: It's him, or us!

Evan: Are we seriously talking about doing this?

Michael: How would we ever get away with it?

JD: We do it out in the woods. I know how to get him to go.

(In the school hallway, Jared listens to some music while sitting. He notices the boys walking up to him)

Jared: 'Sup guys?

(The boys are all looking down. Connor talks in an unenthusiastic tone)

Connor: After school, we're gonna go to my uncle's cabin - in the woods. We're gonna have a sleep over and play Counter-Strike all night with no one around to bother us.

Jared: (Stands up excited) Are you serious?! All night broship Counter-Strike party? That's fucking sweet! Does your uncle's cabin have good wifi?

Connor: Yeah, but don't tell anyone where you're going. We don't want adults to know cause there's gonna be a ton of junk food.

Jared: Dude, that's so awesome! This is gonna be the best night ever!

(Later, The boys are walking through the woods)

Jared: This is gonna be so awesome. Just hanging with the bros playing Counter-Strike all night. Alone in the woods - you pumped Jake?

Jake: Yeah, I'm really excited.

Jared: I'm totally gonna do some massive pwnage. Whoever's on my team will be stoked. My laptop's so fast it doesn't lag at all. I can jump around like a pwnage powerhouse.

Rich: I'm sure you will.

Jared: You guys all seem kinda, like, bummed out. Is everything okay?

Evan: Everything's fine Jared. We'll just get there sooner if maybe we don't talk much.

Jared: Okay, cool. Goin' a long way to play Counter-Strike. How much further now?

JD: We're almost there.

(At sunset, they arrive at the cabin)

Jared:  This is cool. So isolated. (Looks to see a hole and shovel in the ground) And there's a shovel next to a hole dug in the ground. Okay.

(Inside the cabin, Jared goes over to the table at the far end and puts his items on it, while the boys form behind him)

Jared: I call dibs on this side! What's the wifi called? Is there a password?

(Jeremy closes the cabin door. Everybody takes out a weapon, except for Jared)

Jared: I don't see it - I don't see it coming up on my laptop. I don't know, I think maybe the wifi's not working. Where's the box? (He picks up his devices) You gotta unplug it and plug it back in. (Turning around) You guys? You guys...? There's...no wifi..

Rich: ... The girls are gonna do something drastic to us. We have to take matters into our own hands.

Jared:What are you...What are you guys talking about?

JD:You brought this on yourself, Jared. We're sorry.

Jared: Oh my God... Oh my God, you guys are gonna break all my stuff so I can't get online!... Evan? Please, y-you’re not-

Evan: ... Just put your stuff on the table and step back.

Jared: Please! Please don't break my stuff you guys! This is like, 2 Hanukkahs and a Bat Mitzvah worth of stuff! You guys can't do this! Please!

Jake: Let's just get it over with!

Jared:No, don't-get-it-over-with! Don't break my stuff! I'm not SkankHunt, I'm not! You guys, you don't have to do this! You don't have to do this! We can still just play Counter-Strike, and forget everything! Oh my God, there's no wifi - We can use my phone, to make a hotspot and we can still play Counter-Strike! And it'll be fun! Please, you can't!

Evan: I can't listen to this!

Jared: Please, Evan! Evan, you're my best friend! Please, y-you know how much I need my stuff!

Michael: Let's just get it over with! (Walks up to Jared)

Jared; No please! If I can't get online, I won't-how would I-I-

(Michael stabs Jared’s laptop with his knife. The rest of the boys start advancing forward)

Jared: No, God! No! Don't! Don't!! Don't!! Oh my God!!

(Jared’s electronics are knocked onto the table, and destroyed by the boys)

Jared: Oh my God!! Oh my God!! Oh my God!! Aahh!! Niah!! Niaah!! Iaahh!! Iaahh!! Niaaahhhh!!!

(Jared passes out. Outside the cabin after some time, the hole is filled up, and JD pats the soil with the shovel. The boys look horrified)

Evan: ... What have we done?

Connor: What we had to do.

(Middleborough High School the next day, Jeremy walks through the hallway again, but this time the girls are angrily slamming their lockers before walking away. He meets with Michael and Connor)

Jeremy: What's going on?

Michael: You didn't hear?

Jeremy: Hear what?

Connor: The troll, SkankHunt! He was all over the internet last night!

Jeremy: No, that's impossible!

Michael: It wasn't him, Jere! We took Jared out for no reason.

(Jared walks past looking down)

Michael: We can't undo what we've done.

Jeremy: Oh my God. Oh my God!...

(Inside Chloe’s room, the girls are gathered. Christine looks unsure)

Chloe: The time has come. We said if the trolling didn't stop, there would be severe consequences. Get the word out to every girl in school. It goes down tomorrow!

Christine: Oh my God...I don't know if I can go through with this.

Jenna: We all have to be on-board, Christine. Every girl in school, or it means nothing.

Alana: Don't forget what you said Christine: "For too long girls here have taken the backseat! Things have to change!". Now they'll have to listen.

(At school, the following day. Alana hides behind some hallway lockers till her boyfriend passes by. She catches up and gives a note to him, then leaves. The note reads: "I'm breaking up with you. Alana.". The boy falls to his knees, drops the note and yells ‘No!’ as tears stream down his cheeks. JD receives a note too from Veronica, as well as all the boys with girlfriends. The library. Ram, clutching his hair, cries at a table with a note in front of him, while Kurt, also holding a note and crying, consoles him. Jake receives a note from Chloe at the basketball court that reads: "I’m breaking up with you. Goodbye. Don't call. Chloe". Jake falls to his knees, broken. In a classroom, Evan and Connor sit at a desk with a class picture in hand, and their eyes start tearing up when they see Jared fade from the picture. In the hallway, boys are crying in corners, notes strewn and crumpled. Jeremy, Michael, and Rich walk down the hallway, glancing at the boys before encountering Christine. Christine regrettably holds out the note in her hand. Jeremy hesitantly takes the note and reads it “I can’t fix you.” He looks up, and sees that she’s gone. A tear streams down his face, Michael holds his hand for comfort, and Rich looks down solemnly)


	19. Jeremy vs Michael Part 4

** Shop class. The boys are busy on various projects. Jared stands on a stool operating a drill press as Jake, Connor, and Rich stand on the floor. **

Jared: When I have your guys' twenty bucks, I'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen TV in the whole world.

Connor: That's more than ten bucks, you asshole!

Jared: Well, if I get twenty buck from each of you, that's like $2000!

Rich: ... What is up with your math?

** After school. The students walk over to the parking lot **

J.D.: Oh boy! Here we go!

Heather M.: **Joins the group** What's happening?

Jake: Jeremy's gonna fight Michael!

Heather M.: Oh, cool!

Jared: Stay pissed, Jeremy. Stay pissed.

** The two groups meet **

Rich: All right. Here we go.

Jared: Time for you to get proven wrong, short ass.

Rich: You're gonna be eating those words, asshole.

Jared: No I won't, because you'd eat 'em first, shorty.

** Jeremy and Michael look at each other, but nothing happens **

Connor: Well?

Jake: Come on!

Chloe: Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!

Michael: **Turns to the crowd** What do we do?

Jenna: Huh?

Connor: What do you mean, what do you do? You just fight each other.

Jeremy: How?

Jake: How??

Michael: I've never been in a fight before.

Jeremy: Me neither.

Crowd: Awwww.

Rich: Aw, dude, come on!! You just hit each other, smack each other around.

** Jeremy slaps Michael, and Michael slaps Jeremy. No effect **

Jared: Not like that!

Jeremy: Like what, then?

Connor: All right, all right, screw it! We have to postpone the fight 'til Jeremy and Michael can learn how to fight.

** The crowd disperses **

Jared: All that build-up for nothing.

Alana: Yeah. Christ, I could have been home by now!

Jake: All right. Jeremy, we'll teach you how to fight, and Rich and Connor, you teach Michael.

Jared: I don't think that's very fair: if we teach Jeremy, he's gonna really kill Micharl.

Connor: Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna have my cousin Zeke teach Michael boxing!

Jared: Ooooo! Boxing’s scary, you guys! I'm gonna have Jeremy learn Martial Arts!

Rich: Fine! We'll see you back here tomorrow!

Jared/Jake: Fine!

Rich/Connor: Fine!

Michael/Jeremy: Fine.

** The Gym, later **

Zeke: Alrighty. Michael, my cousin, Connor, has asked me to teach you the fine points of boxing.

Michael: Yeah.

Zeke: You're in luck! Johnny here used to be the state champion until a grenade blew his arm off.

Johnny: I can still kick ass.

Zeke: Now, Mike- can I call you Mike? Boxing is a Man sport. There is nothing in the world more Man than boxing. It is Man at his most Man. So when you spar with Johnny here, just dig deep into that most Man part of you... Well, enough of the lectures. let's get to boxing.

** Zeke rings the bell, and Johnny sends Michael to the ropes with one punch **

Michael: Uugh!

Johnny: Whatcha got, bee-ahtch?

** Michael gets up **

Zeke: Keep your guard up, Michael!

** Michael does so. Johnny punches him twice more, and he falls **

Michael: Ow!

Rich: Damn it!

Connor: Come on, Michael! He's only got one arm!

Zeke: All right, looks like we'll have to apply the Oppenheimer technique with Michael here.

** Michael gets up **

Johnny: Whatcha got, bee-ahtch?

Zeke: Punch him in the balls, Michael!!

** Michael lunges at Johnny and lands the punch **

Johnny: AAAAaaaarrgh!

Zeke: Atta boy! Now quick, get him again while he's down!

** Michael lands a barrage of punches **

Johnny: Ow!

Rich: Now kick his balls!

** Michael does so several times, and Johnny groans **

Zeke: There, see? You've got him coughing up blood.

Rich/Connor: Yeah!

Michael: Whoo!

Zeke: Now THAT'S BOXING!

** The Nishimura School of Martial Arts **

Master: Your friend has brought you to learn the ancient art of sumo. You must learn discipline and respect.

** Jake flips him off **

Master:  ** He flips Jake off ** In sumo, your body must be like a stone, and your mind like a meatloaf.

Jeremy: Meatloaf?

Master: The object is simply to push your opponent out of the circle. Is the opponent ready?

Jared: I'm ready!  ** Comes out ** Hey, I like this hair thing. This is cool.

Master: Let us begin.  **Jared plants his feet** Ready? And, begin!

Jared: Respect my authoritah!  ** He and Jeremy engage in pushing each other **

Master: Body like a stone! Mind like a meatloaf!

Jared:  ** Turns around to back Jeremy out of the ring ** Come on! Come on!

Jeremy: Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Stop!

Jake: Fight back! Resist the ass!

Jeremy: How can I resist an ass so great?!

Master: It is only an ass! You must overcome the ass with your mind!

Jeremy: This ass is unlike any I've encountered, Master!

**Jared bumps him off the ring, he hits a wall, and he's out**

Jared: I win!

Master: There is indeed great power in your ass, Jared. Perhaps you should consider sumo as your profession.

Jared: Hey, maybe.


End file.
